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Luke 15:
20-32
Earlier this summer we
looked at the Parable of the Prodigal Son especially the boy who ended up in pig
sty. Today let's return to the parable and look at the last part of the story.
20So
(the prodigal son) set off and went to his father. But while he was still far
off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms
around him and kissed him. 21Then
the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am
no longer worthy to be called your son.” 22But
the father said to his slaves, “Quickly, bring out a robe—the best one—and put
it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.
23And get the fatted calf and kill it,
and let us eat and celebrate; 24for
this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!” And
they began to celebrate. 25‘Now
his elder son was in the field; and when he came and approached the house, he
heard music and dancing. 26He
called one of the slaves and asked what was going on.
27He replied, “Your brother has come,
and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has got him back safe and
sound.” 28Then he became angry and
refused to go in. His father came out and began to plead with him.
29But he answered his father, “Listen!
For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never
disobeyed your command; yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I
might celebrate with my friends. 30But
when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your property with
prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him!”
31Then the father said to him, “Son,
you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.
32But we had to celebrate and rejoice,
because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has
been found.”’
There he is outside the
door, his arms crossed in anger. The smell of steaks on the BBQ floating on the
air, the sound of singing and dancing is audible through the open windows, and
still he will not go in. He's stuck there.
Listen! "For all these
years I've been working like a slave for you and I never disobeyed your command;
yet you have never given to me even a young goat that I might celebrate with my
friends. But, when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your property
with prostitutes; you killed the fatted calf for him."
This morning I want to
talk about resentment. I think of Resentment as the devil's kitchen, because of
how destructive it can be to us and to our faith.
This little display
outside the party has been building for years. Resentment is always about the
past. "For all these years" says the older brother.
Every one of us is a
story teller. We connect the events of our lives into a narrative which gives us
meaning. Sometimes the stories are part of a vision of where we are going.
Sometimes they are a source of ongoing gratitude and joy.
But events can happen
which leave us with unresolved anger or disappointment. Sometimes an event feels
like it set all the dominoes tumbling down that have created the unhappiness we
have now.
Some events are like
magnets that rearrange our understanding of other events until they line up in a
great inward tale of disappointment and anger. Resentment can become the
defining fact in our lives.
"For all these years… I
have served you like a slave. We don't know what home life was like for
the prodigal family. Maybe this father does expect too much and give too little
praise. After all, the younger son wanted to leave town as soon as he was able.
Maybe the older brother had wanted to leave town, to go to college or try some
new line of work, but the younger brother beat him to it. Like George Bailey in
"It's a Wonderful Life" the younger brother gets the adventure while the older
brother feels responsibility to keep the bank going for mom and dad.
Unfairness is a theme in
resentment. You gave him a fatted calf after he ate your property, but you never
even gave me so much as a goat to celebrate with my friends. He left town and I
am stuck here on the farm.
That disappointment has
over the years discolored the older brother's picture of his life. In his own
mind, he has gone from the trusted younger partner in the business with his
father, to a slave whose days are filled with drudgery, whose labor and life are
being stolen from him by his Father. He sees himself as a slave. Slaves have
lost their freedom. The older brother's resentment has distorted his sense of
relationship to the other key people in the story. He is not a son to the
Father, in is mind he is now a slave. Notice when he speaks of the prodigal as
his brother. He calls him, "this son of yours."
The prodigal son has
been excised from his notion of the family.
Resentment slowly breaks
down our relationships with others. It leaves us isolated, standing outside the
party alone. Notice, no crowd of supporters is standing with the son outside.
Even his "friends" are inside at the party. Resentment is like BO; everyone
knows it's there and even those who might want to like us avoid us. It is only
attractive to other angry people.
Resentment is a special
kind of anger. It is anger that has not been dealt with. The difference between
dealing with current anger or disappointment and resentment is that resentment
is old anger that has been saved up. It was not dealt with when it occurred.
Fresh anger is
uncomfortable to process, but at least it is fresh. A saved anger develops a
shell around it like the coating on an M & M. Inside the M & M is not soft,
sweet chocolate but a poisonous potion of unprocessed pain. The shell is our
self justification and judgment. Over time we have built up a case for why we
are right to hold on to this poisonous pain. In order not to feel it and release
it, we have lined up our story so that we know exactly what they did to us and
why they we so wrong. Maybe the case is true. Maybe it is a distortion. It
really doesn't matter. Now, whether it is true or not, it keeps the poison
working inside of us.
Resentment can get to be
so strong that it begins to define who we are. Recently I read this account of a
dream. This person dreamed about an angry man.
Then I saw the angry
man. I saw him walking slowly, bent over, pulling an enormous load behind him.
He groaned and moaned as he moved forward. At times he seemed to lose his
balance. Then he stopped for a while, looked back at his load, and started to
pull again. It was a frightening sight, so frightening that my body began to
sweat and shiver. I said to myself, "The burden, the burden, what is it?" From
the depth of my being the answer emerged: His burden embodies all those at whom
he is angry. He is condemned to pulling them behind him." As I continued to
stare I saw all them all-men, women, and children, emerging out of his long
past, chained to each other, and to him.
While I kept
looking on in horror at the old man and his burden, the voice returned to me and
said, "You are the man. You are the one you just met." I didn't want to hear
these words. But the voice continued, "Don't you see that without your burden
you do not know who you are? I protested, "I don't want such a burden!" But
gradually I came to see that taking away my burden would be like taking away the
boat from the fisherman, the keys from the janitor, or the bricks from the
builder. Who would I be without my anger? Who would I be without anyone to judge
or condemn? Who would I be without my resentment? My burden is my showcase, my
bag of tricks, yes my identity card.
(From Weavings, a
publication of the United Methodist Board of Discipleship)
The stories we have
created to justify our resentment can become our identity. Resentment creates a
heavy burden which slowly robs us of our freedom and joy.
The dynamic of
resentment, in Jesus' story, has formed the older brother's identity.
He has made himself into
little more than a slave in his father's house. Jesus told this story of the
older brother outside the party because he wanted to contrast God's
unconditional, forgiving love with the self-righteousness of the Pharisees. They
had stopped living God honoring and good lives out of love for God. Their
religion had become a burden and they resented those in the community who were
not keeping up to the expectations of the faith. Relationship with God was not a
gift. It was the hard work of slaves. They saw those who were "sinners," not as
struggling members of their family, but as slackers and enemies who must be cast
out. The story that justified them was a construction of their own minds that
carefully over-looked the facts of their own failings. Jesus hoped to pierce the
shell of their angry religion, so that they might be free to walk in a
grace-filled relationship with God.
So, we have looked at
the dynamics of resentment as the devil's kitchen. Now, I want to suggest some
steps in overcoming resentment
1. Being healed of
resentment means we must overcome denial. The stories that are in our heads that
make us right and them wrong aren't doing us any good. So, let them go. The
place to begin healing is to seek God's forgiveness. I have found over the
years that saying, "I'm sorry" can perform miracles. "I'm Sorry!" You have to be
kidding, preacher. They are the one's who should be apologizing, not me! This
is the test. You can keep pulling that burden, or you can choose to let it go.
Jesus leaves it up to you.
If you will genuinely
humble yourself before God and say: "I'm sorry for this mess that exists in my
life;" I'm sorry, I have not been able to forgive;" "I'm sorry that my
resentment has separated me from your love;" If you will seek God's forgiveness
and receive God's amazing grace. The result will be an experience gratitude and
new self worth. The result will be freedom that allows joy to spring up again.
Seek God forgiveness.
2. We must puncture
the blister and drain the puss.
While, for some people the change that comes from seeking God's forgiveness will
be immediate. For many of us, releasing the bitterness from our lives will take
many trips to the throne of God's grace. Turning the ship around may be a slow
process. We can't change these things over night. If we can't just let it go all
at once, we will have to patiently forgive in small chunks.
One of my favorite books
is Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Album. Mitch tells the story of Morrie
Schwartz, a college professor, who contracted Lou Gehrig's disease. A Lateral
Sclerosis robs the body bit by bit of motion. It begins in the legs and moves
upward. Morrie was dying of this terrible disease and Mitch renewed their
relationship by visiting him on Tuesdays. But it was Morrie's wisdom about life
and death that brought healing to Mitch. I find this story from the book helpful
as I think about releasing resentment.
Mitch begins… "I asked
Morrie if he felt sorry for himself.
"Sometimes in the
mornings," Morrie said. "That's when I mourn. I feel around my body, I move my
fingers and my hands – whatever I can still move – and I mourn what I've lost..
I mourn the slow insidious way in which I am dying. But then I stop mourning."
"Just like that?"
"I give myself a good
cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life...
On the people who are coming to see me. On the stories I'm going to hear. On you
– if it's Tuesday. Because, we're Tuesday people." … "Mitch, I don't allow
myself more self-pity than that. A little each morning, a few tears, that's
all." (Tuesdays
with Morrie, Mitch Album. Ppg. 56-57.)
We have been storing
that anger a long time. So, we can feel it again and release it a little at a
time and then change our thinking to focus on the good things, to focus on
retelling our stories without the old garbage. It's is ok if it takes time, but
disciple yourself to grow through this. You can begin today and the place you
begin is with moving from self justification, to being God forgiven.
3. The next step is to
take responsibility for your self. Resentment is built on seeing
ourselves as victims of someone else's misdeeds. We can choose not to see
ourselves as victims. You may very well have been cheated or hurt. You can't
change the facts. You can change how you react or feel about what happened. The
boss may be a pain in the neck, but how I respond is my choice. Your spouse did
not make you angry. You choose to be angry. The Father tells his older son, "You
are always with me and all that I have is yours." He could have had a calf or a
goat anytime he wanted for a party, but he saw himself as powerless. The father
invites him to take responsibility for his anger. You can choose
to release your anger. You keep yourself a prisoner to the past. You are not
trapped or defined by it.
This means I will
carefully monitor my second and third party blaming language. I am not saying
that what someone else did is ok. I am not saying ignore your rights. I am not
saying don't be angry. I am saying if you are carrying anger and resentment from
something that is past, you can decide to be free. The Psalmist makes a point of
taking responsibility for your self and choosing to live in a new way. "This is
the day that the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it."
4. Finally, healing
leads us to begin rewriting the story and re-establishing relationships. So
far we have talked mostly about internal steps related to our inner relationship
to God and our attitudes; the final step involves translating the inner healing
we are experiencing into changed behaviors in our lives. We can forgive and
reconnect with those relationships that our resentment has been harming. To
complete the circle of healing from resentment, this is necessary in some form.
We don't know how the
story of the older brother ends. His father comes out and pleads with him. "We
had to celebrate because, my son, your bother was lost and now is found." There
he is outside the door, his arms crossed in anger. Will he get unstuck?
Will he go in and find
the same newness of life his brother has discovered? Will You?
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